Why am I so unhappy?

Why am I so unhappy? Its sad that I am only 17 and i feel like i’m 60 and that I have reached my peak and nothing better is left to come. Exaggerating, I think not.  Sadly, to me it seems like there is nothing better in my life and i’m always so angry. I have very vivid dreams, and i remember them way too often and so so much in detail,  i might just make this a dream diary I don’t really know what I want to do with this yet…

Back to the title, i think i’m just mad all the time and I need to get to the root of it because the life I live is an unhappy one. Unfortunately that means I have to make some life changes, and it’s going to be hard but i think i can do it. I hope my journey helps anyone else out there too because I don’t think anyone should have to live like this.

I live a pretty good looking life, I have a house, parents that love me and support me, a job, a horse, I get to show my horse, and loving friends and boyfriend. I have fixated on a life that is a fairytale one, and now that I do have a job and I do work 40+ hours a week sometimes I have more responsibility and less freedom. What tortures me is what is more in my head.

I’m a negative person, I have no right to be as negative as I am. Suicide is one way out, don’t think i haven’t contemplated it. I don’t want to go out that way though.. One of my friends attempted suicide this past year, and my old best friend from sixth grade actually committed suicide about 4days ago. Its heart breaking but i understand that position. I understand where they are coming from and i understand how it could get that bad. I wish I could have been there for her. I wish I could have at least shown a little more interest because the people that are not okay are sure as hell great at pretending they are. I’m not sad.. whatever has been hurting them and torturing them in this life I pray they are put to rest. People wondering why i’m not torn up about it, I am, don’t get me wrong but i’m more curious about it. Maybe my brain and emotions are just weird.. i don’t know. I will be posting more about my emotions and things.

I won’t lie to you guys.. i don’t want to be fake here.

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