Insecurities

I try to portray myself as a confident upright person. I really do… i’ve said this before but I am know for doing the fake it till you make it kind of thing. Kind of like when you wag a dogs tail they become happy? Right, so honestly.. I’m not. Confidence is the most important sexiest thing a girl can have, but I won’t have those things as long as I don’t feel confident in my looks, or how i feel in general.

I know everyone encounters this stage. I cannot seem to get out of it, and it ruins so many relationships. It makes me timid in general. I wish i could wear the confidence on my sleeve and just be me. I wish i were comfortable in my relationships just romantic and friendships.

I honestly do not know how i got to this point. I used to be quite confident in myself and just in general. Sadly my insecurities came out today and have just kept getting worse these past few weeks but this was one that happened today

“I was hanging out with my boyfriend and he was getting snap chats for this certain girl. I know their history i think they had a short thing, but they didn’t hook up or anything so I wasn’t super worried in the beginning. Unfortunately on my way to my boyfriends house I was feeing insecure in myself (who knows why) and his love for me. I’m just scared of getting hurt, and broken and I think giving someone my heart is hard to do. My imagination took me to wild places and i pictured getting there and seeing another girls car, and seeing a girl leave his house or just something close to that situation and what I would say and how i would react during that interaction. Anyways i got there and it was cool, everything was fine and then came the end and i posted a picture on his snapchat story and 3 girls snapped him asking who I was. Normally i would think “make they are just curious” I don’t know. But then i saw “her” name and I was like hey i’m curious can I see your phone and what she says. He was super hesitant and i understand phone privacy but that kind of seems a little sketch right? especially with their brief history. They also have a snap streak of 6 days or something. Honestly I don’t know what to think… I kind of just left upset and i cried in the car because so many emotions were spinning around in my head and I just didn’t know if i was crazy, or if he was cheating.. (we have had brief issues in that department too). I just dont know.”

Heres the deal maybe if he was like yeah sure here you go.. like “you can read them” I’d be fine. But he was hiding it from me and so uncomfortable about me looking at his snap stories i just don’t know what to think anymore. He feeds my insecurities and he doesn’t understand it even though i’ve tried to explain it to him, he just makes me feel like i’m going crazy but doesn’t calm me down so well. P.S I know i probably need mental help and more help being stable but I don’t know where to go. I’ve already tried a therapist. I’ve tried not having my phone. I’m just too busy to take the time to find a good therapist. I’m hoping that writing will help me cope but no means do only blame him for my insecurities… It’s just something I wish he would understand

This was just an overall statement on my insecurities, I will be posting another blog about my paranoia but more so the dark side of it.

Until then… BYEEE

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